The First Fourth

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Back in September of 2007 when my ex-husband and I separated I made sure that EVERY holiday, I had the kids. I was the one who was technically leaving because I moved out of the family home. Without any hesitation, if he asked what the plans were, I said I wanted them.

Throughout the 7 year marriage fa├žade I was living in, I loved the holidays. Every single stinking one because it gave me a chance to relive the traditions I grew up with and pass them on to my babies. 4th of July is one of my favorites. It kicked off summer long BBQ's at our house. We invited neighbors, family, friends. Our house was packed, the smell of the grill wafting down the court, beer going into the cooler and my daughter helping shuck corn. That sounds funny but she loves to help and it's less I have to do.



I loved being around all my friends and family. The kids running around with their friends. The food, lots and lots of food. I love food. Then around 6:30 or so we would pack up coolers and head to "the spot" to impatiently wait for the Fireworks. In my County we have the Fireworks display on the County Fairgrounds. It's crowded and congested so instead of parking there, we have "the spot." It's a commuter lot, that sits at the perfect angle to see the Fireworks up above. Families congregate with chairs, coolers, bubbles and sidewalk chalk for the kids, leftover food (damn Fireworks don't start until close to 9:30) and it's just chill. It's a perfect end to a perfect day.

Last year was different, since the ex lost the house there was no BBQ planned by yours truly. I had the kids with me and it rained off and on all day. My old neighbors met up at another spot and squeezed themselves under a tent. We debated whether or not to join them. The vibe was just different. The kids were content playing in their room. The rain bummed me out. I wanted what I had before even though I was living a lie. How crazy is that? In the end we made our way to the "new spot" and crammed into the tent. The Fireworks display was cool. I love me some damn Fireworks. I know it's the same thing year in and year out but I look forward to it.

Moving along to this year. I spoke with the ex. He asked if I had plans for the 4th. Me: Nope, not a one. He asked if he could take the kids to NJ with him. Me: HELL TO THE NO! But then I calmed down and realized the reality of my new life. The ex and I will soon be divorced. There will be custody arrangements and we'll have to pick and choose the holiday's and it all sucks ass because I don't want to share them! I thought about it some more and decided that's it cool. I have to let go at some point. It's going to require small baby steps on my part but I'm willing to give it a try.

All of that rambling to say, this 4th of July weekend will be the first one I'm not with my kids. They drive me insane during the week but once they are gone I'm missing a part of myself. I know they will have a great time in NJ. I've heard plans of fishing, major pool time and shopping. The kids are set to have a good time, now what the hell am I gonna do?

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God. I complain when my ex takes my girls for a couple of days, and I complain when he doesn't see them for weeks at a time.

I know what you mean about them driving you insane, but then missing the hell out of them when they aren't around.

I would suggest not doing a DAMN thing while they're gone. lol

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