Blah

I'm feeling pretty blah today. Normally this feeling would make me stay away from my Blog. Instead I'm going to write it out and hope something makes sense at the end.

I'm not an optimist. In the same respect that I was born gay, I was not born a happy upbeat positive make lemons out of lemonade kinda gal. I'm thankful my mom talked my dad out of naming me Sunshine. Imagine having to live up that pressure! I try to stay upbeat, keep a smile on my face and conquer the obstacles in life. Time and time again I run out of steam and I feel blah. I feel defeated.

When I feel like this, everything is a MOUNTAIN that I can't seem to climb. I slip and fall on my fear. The peak mocks me as I try, try, try again. I can only take it so many times before I give up. My attempts half hearted, my mind semi-focused. My head telling me that everything will work out if I just ignore it. Ignore it and it will go away. Rationally, I know that's idiotic. How can I try just a little bit and expect things to work out?

When you feel as though you've given all you've got, ignoring the mess is easier until it all falls apart. You never really saw your paycheck from Friday. The $160 remaining has to last until the next pay day. Groceries need to be purchased, the car will need gas. The 11 year old son might outgrow his clothes again. Yes, the pants that were purchased over the weekend.

I'm overwhelmed and deep down in my heart I know I'm not doing my best. Not all the time. Not in every area. Getting by has become the focus. Worrying and stressing about money, my weight and how the hell will I get everything done is my obession. In fact, I'm a perfect worrier.

Its a struggle to enjoy life, my children and my friends when deep down inside I just feel blah. In all honestly, I have no one to blame but myself.