Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts

Sidetracked

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Yesterday late afternoon, I opened up my blog and I was prepared to tell you a story. The story of our last football game in which it was a tie score. How neither team scored until we went into overtime. How we were 2 yards from a touchdown and the win when one our players fumbled the ball. How my son cried out of anger, frustration and sadness. How seeing my baby boy cry instantly made me cry. Before I could get any of that out I started blog surfing.

Two hours passed and I found myself with 10 tabs open. I was reading blog after blog and clicking this link and that one. The topic of these blogs: CRAFTS! As in painting, arts and crafts, creativity, making something beautiful from crap, sewing, and the everyday use of something called Mod Podge.

You see I am not artistic. I draw stick figures, lopsided hearts and crooked flowers. I do have a book full of dark, depressing poems from when I was a teenager. Two of the poems were published. But that's all I've got. My hands don't make things. Add in my perfectionist attitude and if it's not just right, I throw in the towel.

At some point during my blog surfing I came upon THIS. I thought it was a great idea and looked really nice. I went to everyone's blog who linked up and ooohed and aaahed over their pictures. Then I decided I had to make one! I think instead of "Family Rules" mine will be called "Words to Live By" or something similar. I don't know when I'll have time with Football ruling my life but I'm going to do it. I'm going to get my Love and the kids involved.

Reading those blogs, looking at the pictures more specifically the Halloween decorations I had a realization. My depression is once again controlling my life. I don't enjoy the simple things. I can't wait for things to be over so I can just sleep. Classic depression symptom in case you didn't know. I'm missing out on quality time with both my kids because of depression. That made me sad and angry with myself. I'm going to fight back. I want to fight back! For me, that's huge!

I can't remember how I started looking at those blogs but I'm glad I did. It sparked something inside of me. While I'm not the creative type, I'm going to do this with my family. I'm ready to create some memories with my kids and have fun!

P.S. When I walk into Michael's I start to sweat and get anxious. Is there a cure for that?

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Open. Close.

Friday, September 17, 2010

I open up my Blog, click new post and then nothing. I sit and stare at the blank screen for hours. Then I save the titled but blank page and sign out. I can't even tell you how many times I've done this open and close dance this week alone. It's not that I don't have anything to say. I do. It's just that 1) with my asshole troll who just waits for me to click "publish" so he can leave a nasty comment 2) fear of hurting those I love when I all want to do is write out my feelings... I don't say anything.

So that is where I am. I don't like how this feels. What is the point or purpose of this blog if it just sits? I have this self imposed notion that I should only write about happiness, sunshine and rainbows. In reality, the past few weeks have been filled with anything but. Can you end a sentence with "but" because I just did.

These past few weeks have been one bad situation after another. I don't mean bad as in I got a speeding ticket. I'm talking about foreclosure notices, cancer, chemo, death, crazy gunmen and natural disasters. Every.Single.Day I was receiving bad news about people that I love and care about. It's all been too much to bear. I feel like if I hear one more sad thing I'm going to lose my mind.

This morning as I was getting ready for work I was watching The Today Show. I stopped and listened to the incredible story about almost 2 year Gore Otteson. Despite all the bad news, the gloom and doom and depression of these last few weeks, I still believe in miracles.

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy


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